Thursday, December 31, 2009

2010. My "predictions"

Hello to one and all. Well 2009 is pretty much at the door with bags packed and the taxi is in the driveway waiting to take it away.
So today I kick 2009 in the balls and welcome 2010 with open arms. I see 2009 as the grumpy old man living next door who had nothing nice to say and lived a life of negativity. I see 2010 as the hot girl next door, full of innocence, hot and welcoming. So for fun, I'm going to make my own "predictions" of what will happen this coming year as we end the first decade of the 21st century and embark on anew.
1. Tiger Woods will quit golf, open a strip bar and personally interview each new employee in his private room complete with king sized bed, a bar, stripper pole and jacuzzi. 3 of his mistresses will admit to having his baby and his ex-wife will marry John Daly.

2. Britney Spears will sign on to do playboy only to find out she is just going to be on the cover.

3. Al Gore will admit that he is behind the whole "Global warming" issue as he just wanted the attention after getting snubbed in the 2000 election by Dumbass W. Bush.

4. Pauly Shore will get yet another chance at redeeming himself and his acting career only to bomb because it's a film by the Wayan brothers.

5. The economic problem in the U.S. will pan out after the public learns GM, Chrysler and Ford used all the bailout money to build real Transformers and they will be controlled to attack other countries, take all their resources and money but won't bother with Canada as they don't see the value in snow, maple syrup, touques and Anne Murray.

6. A major natural disaster will occur once again testing the limits of mankind. It will happen in Quebec so no one goes forth to test their limits. It's Quebec. No one cares.

7. Danny Devito will admit to the public that he had a love affair with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 70's and have a love child. They named him Darren and put him up for adoption somewhere in Eastern Canada.

8. An asteroid will hit the southern region of the U.S. in the latter part of 2010, scientist Mark Bezalanger, who was the chief scientist for monitoring the sector of space that the asteroid came from will be quoted as saying "What? I thought it was just a spec of dust on my telescope. I fucked up, sue me." He's never heard from again.

9. Earth will finally experience first contact from an alien race and it happens in a small town in Northern Manitoba. They leave to never come back.

10. Major websites Google, Twitter, Myspace, Facebook and Yahoo will combine their sites into one ultimate web page "".

And those are just some of what I believe will happen in the upcoming and exciting year of 2010.

Tonight, at midnight, grab someone and kiss the shit out of them. It's the only time you should be able to get away with it.

Here's to a better year.


Wednesday, December 30, 2009

So, you want to see my junk?

Okay. A guy was caught in Detroit with explosives in his underwear. That in itself opens room for so many jokes.
Then, the U.S. spanks Amsterdam for this guy getting on the plane and getting on to U.S. soil. So what happens next? Everyone panics and now we have to be thoroughly checked even more when we want to travel in to the U.S. They will now hand search your carry ons and carry ons are very limited now and part of this new policy was created by us, the Canadians. Great, eh? Is that Harpers way of kissing Obama's ass? "Hey buddy, up here in the Great white north, we got your throw me a bone.......please?"
How often does this happen for one? How often is a "terrorist" caught with some sort of weapon on him that would be dangerous to the public? I admit that when it happens, yes, it should raise concern but let's not be so paranoid as to taking away rights of everyone that wants to travel and be more secure with how we travel. I believe this happened due to the fact Obama's approval rating dropped significantly recently and something needed to happen so he'd come out smelling like roses with being Mr. Tough guy laying down the law on what happened and scolding Amsterdam.
First off Mr. President. It's Amsterdam. Home of great beer, the red light district and great brownies (so I hear). Secondly Barak Hussein Obama, they guy was caught by your crack team of agents at the airport and problem solved. Shit is going to happen and slip through the cracks now and then as we are all human. Lighten up. It's called life. Hey, maybe you can do another TV special with Oprah (surprise) and talk about the issue and make yourself look even more like a super hero celebrity.
So now in an answer to the situation, Amsterdam is now installing X-ray scanners that when you pass through, you will be seen naked on the screen. Everything God gave ya will be displayed to complete strangers so they can make sure you aren't carrying any shit on you that you aren't supposed to which would be considered an immediate threat to others. Remember the good old days of a good pat down and metal scanners as well the occasional strip searches? Ah the memories. Now everyone will partake in the joys of exposing themselves to some checkpoint agent at the airport who will probably get their jollies from seeing some people au natural and soon enough, it will spread to North America. So start working out, get that boob lift, tummy tuck and tone up! You'll be the next contestant on "Let's see whatcha got!" if you ever want to travel outside of the country. Pretty soon we won't even be able to sneeze without having to submit a form for approval, have our nasal cavities scanned and a hand put our ass. I'm simply saying sure, take care of a problem but where do we draw the line?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the gym and am scheduled for a really big penis enhancement.
The cream just doesn't work.


Monday, December 28, 2009

The end is here!!

Well, the end of the year that is. Happy holidays, Seasons greetings and a Happy new year to all you kids out there who are actually reading my blogs. I was going to do a "Best of 2009" blog but I wasn't sure on what topic to do it on. So I'll just continue with a rant about nothing and everything. Weeeeee.
How was your year? Any highlights that stick out for you? I have some.

1. Feb. 2009 - Getting my Ava girl. I can honestly say that there is no regret on getting her. She stood out from the rest of the dogs at that crazy kennel at the SPCA. I remember walking in and all the dogs are going nuts, barking and howling and I come across her cage and she's laying in her bed looking scared. I call her by her name and she gets up wagging her tail and sniffs my hand, goes back and lays down. She's just as calm and great as the day I met her. Make fun if you wish, but probably my biggest highlight. AND if anyone out there is ever thinking of getting a cute little puppy or kitty, go to the SPCA. There are tons of dogs and cats you can choose from, trust me, I've been there and seen the "average" amount of pets they get. It sickens me that pet stores still sell new pups and kitties. Think about it the next time you want a new pet, for every new animal bought at a commercial store, there's probably a pet in line at the SPCA that could have been rescued and will end up being put down simply because there's no room and a new pet came in and needs that room.

2. June 2009 - My back goes out on me. Oh what a memory that is. If you haven't ever had your back go out on you, I highly recommend it, what fun! To be laid up for almost 3 weeks on my couch, my brain turning to even more mush than it is with watching more TV that I've ever cared to watch. I watched such great shows as "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here" and tons of movies. Thank you internet. Haha. The sheer pain I experienced with trying to move was one of mind numbing pain and if you ever wanted to hear me yelp out in pain, this was the time. Thank you back, for fucking up on me and giving me the gift that will now keep on giving for the rest of my days.

3. September 2009 - Learning that I have a blood pressure problem. After a few nosebleeds and crazy headaches, I decide to look into the issue and find that my bp was at 154 over 101. Not good considering average is 120 over 80. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact I stopped exercising and thought it was good to eat more junk than the right foods and let work stress me out really bad? No, that couldn't have been it. At this point, I feel like 35 going on 70. Super duper.

4. Michael Jackson dies. Crazy. Funny how one guy is ridiculed and talked about in a negative way but when he dies, the same people come out saying how great he was and he was the talent of the world and he'll be missed. I think they'll miss him because they won't be able to make fun of him anymore. I was never a huge fan and yes, I had the Thriller album, I was 10 for crying out loud, but he was talented and I give props where due and he was up there. I wonder, is Elvis up there now kicking his ass for marrying Lisa Marie?

5. The balloon boy. Everyone knows this story so I'll keep it short. I would love to meet the father and kick his fame seeking ass.

6. Jessica Biel finally doing a nude scene in "Powder blue". Thank you Jessica and thank you Jebus.

I'll stop at that but I do have more. Maybe another time. At this time I'd like to thank the following for my Christmas presents.
Steve, thanks for the hot air popcorn maker. Once I use up that bag of popcorn kernels I bought from the boy scouts, I'll think about buying them again for future use.
Mom and Dad, thanks for the gift cards, they make great gifts.
Lori, the money clip is pimpin', God love ya.
Chris, the Boba Fett pen kicks ass.
Sara, thanks for the card, you are the only one that sent me one this year. I love you, man.
Thanks to all who came to my potluck gathering, it was fun and I had a great time being surrounded by friends. Deidre, your toblerone cheesecake was mesmerizing. Loretta, your drumstick cake kicked ass.

I've babbled enough........carry on.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Thank you for calling...........

Hello!! Seasons Greetings and all that happy crap. Today I thought I'd do something simple and I'd share some funny stuff with you. I work in a call center, surprise, and sometimes I get really weird, funny or unique calls from the customer or sometimes I make a mistake or two. Sometimes I log the topic of the calls in a file I originally called "Stupid Tuesdays" as the first time I entered a log was yes, on a Tuesday. They made me laugh and hopefully, you'll get a chuckle out of them too. Enjoy.

"Hi, my pre authorized payment isn't taking out my charges, I'm 3 months behind" "Okay, has your credit card exp date changed recently?" "Oh I don't know" "You don't know if your credit card has been updated in the last couple of months?" "Oh it might have been, I don't know"

"I called in to have my Hospital service removed when I left the hospital on Aug. 21 and I just got the bill showing a charge up until Sept. 17th" "Okay, I'm showing a note that you called in on the 17th to remove the HPS and nothing noted on the 21st of August, did you call in mid September to remove the Hospital service and not on Aug. 21?" "Oh I might have, I'm not sure" "So you can't recall when you actually called in to remove your Hospital service?" "I thought it was Aug. 21, maybe it was in September, my son called in I think, but I'm not sure" "It shows you called in Dianne to remove HPS on Sept 17th." "Oh, maybe I did, I thought my son did, but it might have been me"

“Okay sir, thank you for holding, I now have your phone line setup and have the number assigned, do you have a pen and peepee handy?.....sorry, a pen and paper, do you have a pen and paper handy?” “Yes and for the record, I have all of said items handy”

“Hi, I’d like to move my phone services.” “Okay, and what is your number?” “555-5555” “Great and your name?” “Yes” “No, I need your name please” “Yes it is” “No I need your full name please” “Oh. It’s Linda”

“Thank you for calling, how may I help you?” “Yeah, how do you dial zero on a cell phone?”

Enjoy the ride..........


Friday, December 11, 2009

Well roast my nuts, it's Christmas!

I was on my lunch today and head up to the Superstore to grab a bite to eat and it hit me that it is indeed Christmas time. Other than the fact I should be smart enough to look on a calendar or just instinctively know what time of year it is, being out in the hustle and bustle of all the shopping just confirms it. It's such a great time of year, the crowds have increased hence the traffic as well. People are running to and from with their shopping to do lists and making sure little Tommy gets the newest toy on the market and is the most popular now as well Dad gets that new pair of slippers and little Sally gets her new puppy. Yes, the crowds are a plenty and people are cutting people off in malls an shopping stores, bumping into one another yet no one says sorry or holds a door for anyone. Cars speeding about in urgency to get to the next shopping place as the last one didn't have the touch me Elmo in stock and are almost peeing their pants with anticipation that the next store they get to has it. So speed! Drive as fast as you can and don't pay attention to all that's around you for you live in your world and yours alone! Forget the fact that you just cut someone off at the lights or switched lanes without looking and sans signal light. Yes Virginia, it's Christmas time again.

I'm not saying I'm a perfect driver but I do keep a sharp eye out while driving and I'm not saying this isn't normal. I'm just saying it's worse due to the increased traffic and more people need to be out there and get their shit done asap. Whatever happened to people remembering we're all here on this spinning blue ball (haha, blue ball), sharing it together? Why can't people talk to one another or at least say Hello, Sorry about that, Here you go(holding door open) or Merry Christmas? Somewhere along the way, we went wrong with interacting with one another and now we just go about with our heads down or looking straight ahead and don't acknowledge one another. Of course we're all safe and fine to talk to each other on chat sites etc and can say what we want and do what we want because all we have to do if we don't want to talk to each other on there or get rid of someone is simply delete, block or remove them. Ah, so easy. No one is comfortable anymore with having a face to face conversation about any topic now and we all hide safely inside our warm homes behind a computer. It's Christmas people, it's suppose to be a time to put all bullshit aside and be civil and celebrate it for what it is.

I could babble on and on but I won't. Anyone that is reading this right now is thinking, thank God D, you need to stop being so negative. Am I being negative about a positive thing? I don't think so, just merely expressing what we should be doing this time of year.

So here's to another year and to Christmas. Get together with friends and family however you do it, be it a dinner, a party, going home to see family, watching Christmas specials or just getting piss drunk. Everyone should hang out together at some point during the upcoming holidays and enjoy each others company. For myself this year, I am going to see friends at different functions and get togethers and spend Christmas day with good ol' fam. As for Christmas Eve, I will be celebrating my long time tradition of watching "Lethal Weapon" as I do every year and have so for a long time. I know it sounds weird right? But that's the thing. Everyone can do something that suits them at Christmas regardless the tradition. For me, it's that movie. It does take place during Christmas so there. Bite me.

Now, remember what this holiday is about, enjoy each other and remember Jebus. It's his birthday. Ask Santa to get him a new pair of sandals or an etchasketch. (however you spell that)

There ain't no party like an S club party.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Eye of the Tiger

Okay, I'm going to follow up my blog from the last one about yes, Mr. Tiger Woods. I've personally put him in for a nomination for 2009's dumbass of the year award. You may ask why D? Why Tiger? He's such a reputable man and an amazing "athlete" in the world of golf. If you are asking that then you've been living in the woods, way out where bears do shit and you can still find fairies, trolls and Richard Simmons.
Tiger Woods. Got famous playing golf, worked hard all his life for it, gets rich and marries a hottie super model, all the while he's sticking it to any hot lady that falls in his lap. Now I've heard stories about him sleeping with quite a few girls and they keep coming out of the woodwork the second the news came out. These girls are nothing more than media whores looking for their 15 minutes of fame and some cash to do interviews and I'm sure a book isn't far behind. I can just see the title now "Tiger and how he putted his way into my vagina" or "Tiger: He sunk it in one swing". Seriously, if I was one of these girls, I'd stay away from the limelight and put it behind me. Do you really want your life to be changed now being known as one of the skanky ho's that fucked a golfer? Really? Only reason they got funky with him is because he's rich. Plan and simple. Were they hoping and wishing on their magic pillow at night that if they spread their legs for him that he'd whisk them off their feet and take them to Tigerland where they'd be surrounded in jewels, cars and extravagant luxuries?? Maybe. But personally, I think it's because they were skanks and just wanted the chance to do a "celebrity".
Now, back to Mr. Woods. The dude fucked women on tour and in his own home town, hoping to never get caught all the while this hot blonde bikini model is married to him?? Man, when you live that life and are in that scenario, bitch is gonna find out. It's only a matter of time. Problem for him is, everyone done gone find out because she beat his ass with a club and chased him out the driveway, runs over a fire hydrant and crashes into a tree. It went public and now he's paying the price. Then after all the shit hits the fan, his main sponsors decide to stick with him. "Hey kids, be like Kobe or Tiger. Get stinking rich and famous, fuck as many women as you can married or not and we say it's okay." "Don't forget to drop out of school too!"

Back to the main reason of this blog. After all that was said and done, Tiger offers Elin $5 million up front to stay with him and if she did stay for another 5 years, she'd get a shit load more. Guess what? She walked. In this day and age where we live in a society that's now standing on a foundation of greed, sex and lies, she fucking walked. You don't see that these days at all and I for one applaud her for having the right train of thought and leaving that douche in the dust. Of course, this could all be an act and she ends up back with him and I'd have to eat my words, apologize for this blog and move on. But as of today after reading on the net that she left him, I'm posting this to say bravo for walking and not taking $5 million plus more in 5 years. Truly amazing.

Will it stop Tiger? Fuck no. He's a rich mother with everything he needs and way more. He's so into the scene of being famous, rich and in the media that he probably can't remember what it was like growing up, not having the riches he does now. He's already got a list of bitches ready to bend over for him, what's a few more now that Elin's gone?

I wonder, does he get the red or gold jacket for doing more than 18 holes?

Remember to wash your balls before you stroke.


Monday, November 30, 2009

A hole in one..........or two.

So. The golf android with perfect teeth and a billion dollar smile has a penis. Surprise. Mr. Tiger Woods had a mysterious car accident coming out of his driveway and it apparently was a good one. The man hit a fire hydrant I hear and then was stopped by a tree and suffered some pretty good injuries. So I hear. Now what I'm hearing is some things were weird to what happened with the car accident. He had scratches on his face that were not caused by any glass or debris and his back window of the car was smashed out. The story now is believed that the dude was having an affair and his wife found out, hence the fast drive out the driveway and they say she took a golf club to his rear window in the process of his escape. Another story is that she smashed the back window out with a golf club to get to him after the accident happened. To me, I believe the first story about Mr. Woods having an affair.
I just love how he is asking the public to respect their privacy and let them handle the matter behind closed doors. You may be a golfer but hey buddy, you are of high celebrity status. That's the price you pay when you get famous and rich. So if you go ahead and spend time on someone else's fairway and sink your ball in another hole other than the neatly trimmed green you are used to, you have to pay the price for being famous and for venturing on to a new course that you know you shouldn't be on. I'm just impressed that the dorky looking, clean cut golfer that looks and acts like a robot has shown that he too has faults just like us humans and got caught for it. I wonder how it all went down with his mistress, "Oh baby, I've never done this before" "It's okay Tiger, take your time" "This has never happened to me though, I'm sorry I went so fast.........mulligan?" "Sure Tiger, sure"
I also love the fact that no matter how cheesy it sounds, she gets to call him Tiger the whole time he's swinging his wood with her. "Oh Tiger! Right there Tiger. I love it Tiger, oh Tiger!"
So, Mr. Woods, suck it up, admit it publicly and carry on with your life. There's no need to hide it, we all know what happened. Next time, call your wife to tell her and make sure you are far away when doing it. Like India.



Saturday, November 21, 2009

To boldly go where no dork has gone before........

Earth. An acceptable frontier. These are the voyages of my life, my continuing mission to seek out new experiences and to enjoy life and to boldly go where no dork has gone before.........(cue 60's hippy music)
Star Trek. What's wrong with liking it? Why do people mock those that do? I know why. Because those people are stuck back in high school and maintain the sense that it's nerdy. Or it's because they are jealous because they tried watching it but aren't smart enough to understand the phrases or terms used. Live and let live but if you get backed into a corner, fight back I say. Well "normal" people, I'm a dork and I love it. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't know specific details like the layout of the enterprise or where their bathrooms are nor do I live in my parents basement and play dungeons and dragons. I merely enjoy the entertainment of said series.
BUT. I am a Star Wars fan hands down. I choose it over Trek and always will. It was the first sci-fi I was introduced to as a child and loved it. The original three were classic and always will be. The "prequels" were good but nothing will ever compare to the original. I always will hold a dear place in the cockles of my heart for Leia in her slave dress and the whole series as it had a profound impact on my growing up in my life.
Feel free to mock and scoff at me but everyone has their form of entertainment and things they enjoy. Are you mocked for what you like on a regular basis? No, I highly doubt it. So leave those be who enjoy something different than you. We'll kick your ass. Yeah, I said it. What do you want to do? Fight about it? Bring it on. I'll unleash the force on your ass and wreak havoc on your weak ass mind.
May the force be with you as you live long and prosper.


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The end is near, stock up on water now!

Okay, here we go. Dec. 12, 2012. I've talked to a few people, read some web sites and recently heard the report that NASA has concluded that nothing will happen and the world will not end on this date. The Mayan calendar ends at that time but it simply meant that that's as far was they went with their calendar system and I can't comprehend as to why they went that far ahead with their calendar. Did they have great ideas for pin-up girls or hot rod calendars going that far out? I mean these guys vanished. Where did they go? They had so much time planned for something hundreds of years in to the future. Why did the vanish? Did someone taint the kool-aid?
I've read some websites from physicists, astronomers with degrees and so on and they all say the same thing. The world is not going to end. Stop panicking. Now, I've also talked to friends and like me, they all like to spread their theory of what's to come and that's fine but I'm calling it now for those of you without doctorates or a degree in astro-physics who say that we are in for a huge disaster or the world is going to end; THE WORLD WILL NOT SUFFER A MAJOR DISASTER NOR END. Now, the world is not going to end on that day but I never said that it's inevitable someday this planet will cease to exist. Be it our own demise, an asteroid, the sun burning out or the planet exploding from a blast from the deathstar, it will happen. Hell, I could wake up tomorrow dead from a huge meteor shower that hit earth, it's going to end somehow or someway but none of us know for sure how it will end. So until then, don't believe the hype and carry on with your life until you know for sure that this is the end. And hey, we all go sometime, question is, will it be before the world ends or due to the world ending?
I also believe that the world will be around for a long, long time and so shall we. Know how I know? Because Gene Roddenberry says so. He wasn't just a visionary, he was from the future. Plain and simple. Gene came back to shed some light into what the human race is ahead for and I for one am jealous that I won't be around to meet Seven of nine, tell Jordi his visor is actually a hair clip over his eyes, ask Kirk how many women he slept with or measure my junk along side with Data knowing every time that he'd win because he is fully functional and can make his wang to any appropriate size needed. Come on, if you watched TNG, you saw the episode and all thought the same thing.
Time to go, I have a date with a measuring tape.

Forget tomorrow and live today.


Thursday, October 22, 2009

Well done!

I'm so happy to read at least one person isn't being a media whore and trying to make a buck off of this "Balloon boy" fiasco. Sheriff Jim Alderden has turned down interviews and an appearance on "Dr. Phil". Good on ya mate! No need to get greedy like the rest just for the sake of some TV time. God knows you've had a enough with the media following you around like you were some extraterrestrial who just came to earth. It's nice to hear of an actual decent person who just wants to be and doesn't want the 15 minutes of fame. I understand as well he recieved threatening emails and messages to which he scoffed at and joked about on his blog. Thumbs up to you sir and you have my respect. Keep on keepin' on my friend.

By the way, why are they still calling Falcon, "balloon boy"? He wasn't in the balloon. I know the original story was that he was but he wasn't. How about we give the poor innocent kid a break and just call him by his name?

Be green. Cut back on farting.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Grumpy old man

I'm in a pissy mood and I'm going to share my thoughts tonight.
I feel like pouring everything out about shit going on and don't care who I piss off in saying it. One thing on my mind is why in the fuck do I have to be overly sensitive about scents in a work place? Can you remember a day when we were kids and no one at school had severe allergies to the point that it threatened their life??? I mean shit, peanut butter now can kill someone if they just get a whiff of it? What the fuck? Is there a breakdown in evolution with our DNA or something or is it just the person themselves that was just born with parents who were first cousins or something? Did you know at work, I can't even use a fucking air can to clean out my keyboard? People actually complained that it affects their health and shit. Jesus. We're becoming a race of whimps from being coddled too much by mommy. Most of these people are the ones that kept to themselves in school probably because they were told if they hung out with the "bad kids" that it would make Jesus cry. I mean, give me a break. There isn't even any common ground that can be reached. We all have to tip toe around these people and not breathe so they won't whine about the smell of our breath or something. I say get these people a special section in a bubble so the rest of us can go on living normal lives. Oh and my keyboard at work looks like something you'd find in an alley way under a pile of garbage, it's so filthy. I was told I could take it outside and use my can of air duster out there but I'm sure some fuck would cry to a supervisor about the smell lingering around outside. Shit.
And what about people who have to one up you every time when you are telling a story? "Yeah, so we went hiking at Fundy this weekend and..." "I remember climbing Mt. Fuji once, that was awesome". I just hate that they interrupt your story to out do you. It's like a big "fuck you" and an effort to belittle you infront of everyone. Why? Are they that fucking insecure that they have to shut you up, interrupt and try to prove how much better they are? It's the equivalent to that middle aged guy who needs a big sports car to compensate for having a small dick. I fucking hate it. At the most, wait your turn and tell your "better" story, ya fucking lush.
Here's another topic. Me telling people that I've changed some things in my life to better myself and every time they bring up the topic and I try to explain the reasons why I've changed some things, they turn on me to tell me I'm annoying them with talking about it. Hello? You dumb fuck, you brought it up so I'll respond with my reasonings whether you fucking like it or not. If you don't like it, shut your fucking trap in the first place. Example: Once I gave up drinking for 6 months to feel better and lose some weight and people asked me to have a beer here and there and I'd simply say I gave it up and they fucking start tearing into me like I'm some alien with 4 eyes. Or recently with my bp issue, I cut back on sodium big time and I'm asked why I don't eat the foods I used to and I tell them due my bp and the sodium content and they actually fucking tell me I'm annoying them with the sodium topic. Don't fucking ask if you don't want to hear me tell you why. You know why from asking me 10 times before so shut it.
Here's some other things that piss me off.
Jay Leno. You aren't funny.
The Heene family - you're all fucked up.
People that snoop around my desk and go through my shit. Fuck off. I didn't invite you to take my shit or go through it.
People that go around telling everyone they are Christian and want you to know it but are the ones that are quick to judge, talk about you behind your back and not treat you like people should be treated. Suck it.
Techno music. Die.
Reality TV. Go to Hell.
Gossipers. You got me in to your circle and I'm out now. Go whine or talk about someone elsewhere.

Hey. I feel better now. Night night.


Saturday, October 17, 2009

You're full of hot air

Nothing pleases more than to see an innocent little kid call his parents out when they are lying about something and the added bonus is that this particular incident happened on live television. I'm talking about the hot air balloon kid that was supposedly in that silver weather balloon or whatever the hell it was, that got loose and went on a wild ride. People were frantically chasing the balloon and all chaos broke loose to save said child that was in this tiny UFO looking balloon. I saw the clip yesterday where the family was doing one of their many TV interviews about the whole dramatic story and if you haven't heard about it, the boy was not in the balloon when it landed, he was hiding in the attic at the house. BUT the best thing ever was the little boy calling out his parents by being nothing more than an innocent little guy in answering why this took place and he responded by saying something to the affect of "My parents told me to hide in the attic, it was for TV". I for one, fucking loved it. The look on his Dad's face was truly classic. Nothing better than seeing the immediate reaction of someone when the truth comes out. Daddy got what he deserved. I can't believe parents will do just about anything these days to get famous via their kids and subject them to such bullshit.
I think the Dad in this particular situation should have his ass kicked. I mean geezus buddy, you make your kid lie about what happened? That would warp a kids mind to what is right and what is wrong. "Now son, we're just pretending and it's not a lie, it's the stretched version of the truth and that's okay". Fucking idiot. And to find out the parents were trying to pitch a reality show to all the networks before this happened which means this was their attempt at becoming famous and starting a reality show with some network? I hope that all the networks tell them to lick balls before they even think of the idea. I saw three kids sitting with them during the interviews so what kind of reality show was it going to be?? Jack and Natalie plus three? Cripes. Everyone is out to be famous these days.
I think I'll try to get my own reality show. I'll call it Darren and no one makes nothing. It'll be my real life version of someone's every day life and happenings. It'll probably be boring as all Hell but at least it'll be more entertaining than half the reality shows on TV now.

All aboard the fame train!! Woot! Woot!


Friday, October 9, 2009

Turkey time

How is everyone out there? It's that time of year again kids. Time for the turkey, gravy and all the fixin's that go with it. We get to sit back, relax and reflect on what we are thankful for and I encourage you all to either respond with what you are thankful for either on here or facecrack. It would please me to no end to hear from you all. So, in celebration of this coming weekend and holiday we get to enjoy before the Americans, na na na na na na na na, I am going to list off what I am thankful for. Ready? (In no particular order)
I am thankful for:
Life, being Canadian, TV, movies, friends(wherever they are.LOL), family, Benny Hill shows, cake, porn, the sun, Ava, my house, pizza, the invention of velcro, Tera Patrick, foo fighters, the police(the band), women, biking, sight, sex, midgets, freedom, George Lucas, muffins, my brain, my sense of humor, raisins, conspiracies, Carla Gugino, TMZ, space, bread, women that wear tall black boots, comedians, Jessica Biel finally deciding to do a nude scene(Powder blue), pinball machines, all video game consoles ever made, my job, comedy roasts, John Lovitz, flat panel TV's, Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi in her slave dress(every boys dream back then), Girls gone wild videos, Kelly Brook, my chair, the thought of time travel being possible, SUV's, milk, hookers, football, one night stands, the autobahn, Japan, maxim magazine, playboy, my toys, my patio, my hammock, scotiabank for not screwing up my loan payments since I started to move over to RBC, my fathers infamous sayings, books, you, a big afro, the invention of the razor, cell phones, the internet(PORN!!), comfy couches, money, Olivia Wilde, Jolene Blalock, mini wheats, foods low in sodium, trampolines, girls on trampolines, cars, Telly Savalas, old movies, def leppard, food, good people out in the world, planes, carnivals, badly made movies ("satan's schoolgirls", check it out), Brook Burke, Laura Frison, Vida Guerra, clowns, strip bars, popcorn, the fact we don't hear about George W. Bush anymore, Green products, hemp, soccer, boobs, health care, indian food, board games, taking trips, Danny Devito, England, bikini car washes, the rate technology is going(scares me sometimes, but all around okay), that painter dude that used to be on PBS, the invention of thongs, Heavy metal music, curtains, video cameras, Chuck Norris, water, beer, trees(without 'em, we'd probably be dead), bj's.........subs, yeah, video cameras, star trek film marathon on a crappy day, humane societies, Pat Sajak, Elvis, the radio, the original Daisy Duke, Skid Row(the band), junior high dances and being able to dance close and doing the butt grab, cheese, karaoke, marbles and prostate exams.



Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Where is your pride?

Hi there.
I'm a little worked up today about one topic I am serious about and will not joke about nor take for granted. Remembrance day. I have always gone to a ceremony to take the time out to respect the men and women of my country who put their lives on the line to help in the fight to preserve and maintain our freedom. Many of you may have thoughts on this or comments and I welcome them be it on here or my fb page. I want to hear from as many of you as possible about this and what you feel about this one day out of the year we should have the freedom to go to a ceremony, watch it on TV or just do nothing at all in favor and respect of the fact we are free. My work has brought it upon themselves to have some of us, as many as they "forecast" are needed, to come in to work that day. Now, in the history of working, I can't recall at any time I've had to come in to work on Remembrance day because the places I've worked don't need us on that day and they respect that day for what it is. A holiday. A holiday to have off and pay respect and show that we care about what happened and why we're here today. Granted, I've been here for well over 7 years now and haven't had to work a Remembrance day until now. So why now? Is the company hurting? Do they "forecast" a huge loss if we are closed? Smaller companies will be closed that day and huge companies will be closed that day so why? Because our comepetitors are reported to be open that day? I recall an old saying my mother used to say all the time and I feel it fits here, "If they jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" It's a sorry excuse just to make more money if you ask me.
And ask me alone. These are strictly my views about what is being done to us on this holiday. Not anyone else's view at all.
So seriously, is the company going to fall if this day is missed making more money for them? Are they going to be on crutches sort to speak if we are closed. I highly doubt it. No company should be open and make their employees miss out on paying tribute to our country and the people that were lost or the people that are still with us to this day who go out in the cold and stand strong to remember what they did and for us to be there and show them we still remember and always will. Or will the corporate world be a huge part of phasing out this holiday once all are gone that were involved? It's a true shame to have to work on this day and I for one am not very happy that anyone should have to work it. Too bad the big wigs only see dollar signs and can't remember.......................


Thursday, October 1, 2009

Who farted?

As I sit here working as diligently as possible (yes, I said it. Scoff at me if you wish, but I'm working), I listen to music in one ear with my ear bud plugged in to my computer and take calls on the other ear with my ear piece and wonder; Can the caller hear my music going through my head to the other ear? But then I realize that it's impossible as the ear piece is where I hear the customer and my mic is not in line with my other ear so I can rest easy knowing the music just goes into my head to fill me with happy thoughts.

How's your day going? In respect of recent events of work that I'm supposed to forget and put behind me, which I have, I've started thinking, would it be worth just keeping myself happy by venturing into a world of illegal drugs and/or drinking excessively? I'm leaning towards yes. But then I think perhaps it will lead me down a path I won't be able to handle. I'll lose any friends I have, if I have any now, then my job and I'll most likely lose the house, the dog, the car and end up in a box behind Angie's in Dieppe. I'll make ends meet by working at said establishment working as the pole cleaner and mopping floors in the back room for a mere $5 an hr and be ridiculed by the staff and patrons whenever I work. I can hear it now, "Hey look, there's that dirty slob that lost his job and life because he started taking heroin and drinking JD like water and moved in to the box out back that we piss on when he's not there and we all think he's disgusting!" all the while I'll mope along weeping inside, holding the tears back while "Candi" is straddling a pole behind me and I'm waiting with a bottle of Zep and a towel to clean where her cooch rode the pole so the other girls don't catch something nasty when they grind their bajango against it just to get a rise out of the boys sitting at gyno row, thinking these women love them and the stripper is pawing the floor, riding the pole and spanking her ass in front of strangers, hoping to make good coin for the evening in return.
Sounds like a very depressing life, perhaps the route of illegal drugs and/or drinking should be just an idea and I'll keep on keeping on.
On the other hand, I'll have a place of my own with free rent, naked women in my back yard, good cheesy music playing and I get to clean stripper poles!! Man, what a toss up.

Love one another and love another one.


Monday, September 28, 2009

Time to ramble.

What a way to start the day today. Walking my dog and a tree branch about 7 feet long snaps out of a tree and smashes to the ground not 4 feet behind me where I was walking. That's about a 3 second time frame from where I was to where I ended up when it fell. Crazy. That small amount of time makes a huge difference especially in this circumstance. I stood there for about 30 seconds repeating the phrase "Holy shit" over and over as I stared at the size of branch and thinking how lucky I was not to end up underneath it. I kept seeing myself getting nailed on the head or in the back on the shoulders being knocked down by this branch. Then I thought, how serious could the injury have been? Probably enough to render me unconscious or even worse. Makes one think. Someone up there is watching me and to them I say thank you big time. Makes for an interesting Monday, that's for sure.

So I caved. I signed up for twitter and am liking it. I bashed that site so much when it came out, questioning why would I need a site that allows you to send a min-blog of your whereabouts 24/7? Now I'm doing it. Well not 24/7 but at least once or twice a day or so. It's amazing how drastically life has changed for us in the last 20 years. Just stop and think about it. You can send mail to a friend in the blink of an eye. You can know everyone's whereabouts with the internet or GPS. You can get porn on demand. You can get addresses and phone numbers or people's information if you know where to look on the net. You can download music, movies and television in a matter of minutes. There's no hiding anymore. Remember when you used to go outside and play ball hockey all afternoon or hang out at your local park with everyone and interacted in person? Remember playing marbles or board games with real live people? The human interaction is less and less these days and it seems we all are accustomed to more private lives and talking to one another via a computer or whatever gadget is out there that enables us to communicate without picking up a phone or leaving our living room. Have you noticed if you are on a chatline such as msn, you are somewhat of a different person behind a closed door and have the security of a computer to hide behind than you are in person. Most people are. If you aren't and disagree with that comment, good on ya for that. But most people design a different behavioral pattern when not talking face to face.

So now, I sit here at my desk, the ever so well behaved drone typing away to entertain myself and make the day pass, WHILE ON MY LUNCH, I must say that so the powers that be don't think I'm abusing the day with not doing my job. I sit here with many a thought flying through my head like: Is it proper if you really like someone that is engaged in a deep relationship to tell them you do? Can I make a difference while being on this blue planet or am I just another biological being just going through the hoops of life? What makes someone better than another person? Why do people not talk about sex, it's normal and everyone does it, right? Why do we live our lives according to what the overall consensus says we are supposed to? Is there a God or some sort of higher being out in the universe pulling the strings that we just slapped a name on to try and understand it?
The list goes on and maybe I'll talk more in detail about them as we go on.

Hey Jody, if you read this, my fan is available if you want it this week. France, my heart goes out to you. JB, thanks for reading and kicking my ass to send out another blog. To Sunflower, it's getting worse. Steve, thanks for dropping the pie. And to big dog out there, don't stress, it only leads to the darkside and possibly the end of the ride on this world.

Touch my bum,


Friday, September 18, 2009

Now with more fat!!

I trust everyone had a great week? Or do you feel like me and that this week felt like it lasted longer than a waterboarding session held by Dick Cheney? Man, this week was brutal time wise. I swear it dragged on and on. Just being at work for the day and noticing that it was only 3 hours in to my shift and it felt like I was here for 7 hours at that point, wanting to pull my hair out, throw the PC out a window and go to the bathroom, curl up in the corner of a stall and rock back and forth crying out "Why have you foresaken me Jebus!!?.........why????" All the while you take calls such as "If I have wireless internet at home, will it work for my laptop when I go to Alberta from home?" or "The bundle is $74 a month and it includes internet and a long distance plan for your home phone"...."Oh so what does that include?"...."Internet and a long distance plan"..."And how much is it?"..."$74 a month"..."And that includes long distance for my internet?"..."No, long distance on your home phone and internet in a bundle"..."And how much is it?" Seriously folks, I can't make that shit up. That's a small handfull of the stuff I hear daily.

BUT, finally Friday is upon us, time to let the hair down, turn the music up and grab a beer! Or in my case, red wine thanks to my newly found blood pressure issue. Yay for me!!

On to other topics now. I'd first like to thank those of you who have sent me facecrack messages letting me know you are reading and do enjoy my blogs for the most part. I know they aren't pulitzer prize winning stories but I do what I can.

Registration renewal. What brainiac came up with the idea that we now have to keep track of when our registration is due and we don't recieve the kind notice in the mail reminding us? Aren't we busy as it is with things going on in our lives? Don't we pay enough to the government now that they can provide us with the service of reminding us as we buzz along in this fast paced world we live in now? I love how the "higher ups" keep coming up with ways to figure out how to make their time and lives more easy all the while getting paid more each year and giving us all the stuff to do and take care of. Seriously, we pay taxes, we pay fees for all public services, why can't you be willing enough to take some iniative and do some shit yourself since we pay you a ton of what we earn already? What's next? I have to pay a fee to use a public washroom or have to remember when my income tax is due? "Sorry folks, due to costs and ongoing increases of our work ethics in which we provide to you, the taxpayer, we will now stop sending you information on when your income tax is due as well you will have to remind us, the government on when to send you your T4's and so on"

Getting things for free. Where in ones right mind is it okay to complain about getting something for free?? This topic popped in my head when someone I know actually whined about getting food for free and it wasn't from one of the self-approved places they like. WTF?? It's free. Stop acting like someone just told you to give your spleen or kidneys away. If you don't like it, fuck off and buy your own food. I don't know how much more I can say about that one. Bottom line be it food or whatever the case, you're given something for free, take it. If you don't like it, give it away or don't have it, whatever. Fools.

The saying "I'm dying". Okay, when one is really tired, sick or has worked out really hard, don't use the term "I'm dying". How do you know?? Really. Have you died before and come back from the dead? "Hey Jerry, I hear you have the flu, how are you feeling?" "Oh cripes, I am dying here, it's that bad" "Oh yeah?.......well you would know, I remember when you died in 2005 and came back to the living not long after, so you would know". And what happens the day you are actually dying and say it? Remember, don't cry wolf.

Well I've ranted enough today so I hope you liked the post. Cheers to Kristy for the registration topic and to everyone else!

Your friend with benefits..........


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Which way is up?

Wow. What a week so far in the entertainment industry, hey?

What is the deal with Kanye West and being such a bastard and interrupting a poor 19 year old girl's moment in the spotlight? Mr. West, you have just stepped up to being the A-1 classic douchebag of all time. Congrats. Now look, I'm not a Taylor Swift fan but to me, bum rushing the stage at an awards show is just plain fucking rude and ignorant. The person won the award, leave it be and if you have any problems with it, save it to bitch to your friends. Now there's an article out about it being a publicity stunt? What the hell. It's all bullshit to me.

Oh, here's a short one for you. Lady Gaga is fucked in the head. Plain and simple.

On to Mr. Patrick Swayze. He's not on my list as my most favorite actors but he did star in some of my favorite films back in the day, "Red Dawn", "Point break" and "Youngblood". It's a shame he did go at such a young age. No one deserves to go like that but it's all a part of life and apparently nothing we can do about it. It can be prolonged in a long and hard battle but sometimes, in the end, it gets you. I'm sure many a Swayze fan will be in mourning today and will be home watching his movies curled up in a blanket with a bowl of popcorn or eating chocolate, crying but I will simply honor him and remember him for entertaining us with the many films he made and he'll always be "Bodhi" to me from "Point Break". Rest in peace Bodhi, thanks for sharing time with us.

Another day, another dollar. After taxes, about .42 cents.


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Where is my head?

What a freaking day so far. It's one of the absolute last days of some nice weather before the latter part of fall hits and then you know what season is upon us. Shit. Time flies for sure and it seems like yesterday I was stuck on my couch with a thrown out back, whining and hoping I'd heal fast. That was June. Here we are in September and I must say, you know those "getting to know you" emails that friends send you and there is that question about your favorite season, I always say Summer but guess what my friends, get to know me all over again, I now prefer the fall. The weather is just right. Most days we are at 15-20 degrees celsius and at nights, 5-15 with a nice breeze. Thank you Jebus.
I wanted to do so much this summer: camping, biking, hiking and so on. But I guess due to my lack of staying healthy, my body had other plans for me. I think it got in a fight with my mind and it won. I feel like I'm falling apart and the mind over matter issue isn't doing so well. We'll see about that. This isn't over, body! I shall prevail!!
So today for the first time in almost two weeks, I think I've got the BP issue under control. Woke up with a slight headache but it went away fast and I've been feeling good all day. Hopefully I'll stay on track this time and treat my body right and my heart. It's scary all the shit you learn about when you take the time to read about it and it's too bad most of us only do it when something happens to us. We should be aware of everything going on as we age. But I guess not knowing is worse than knowing and learning all the things that can happen. I think I'd rather know. Yeah, I would.

Don't squeeze the charmin.........


Thursday, September 10, 2009

What gets my goat

Upon heading toward work this fine morning, I thought I'd blog about something everyone talks about on a regular basis. Plain and simple, things that piss us off.
1. Driving
Now, I know I'm not a super A-1 driver out on the road but I do my best to adhere to the rules of the road and know pretty much all the basic rules and then some, but when I see someone doing something stupid or just plain ignorant when driving, it really gets my goat. This morning I'm on my way to work and I'm heading on to Wheeler Blvd via one of the many marvelous on ramps or whatever they are called and I see a car coming up along side of me and no cars behind this vehicle nor any on the outside lane and this marvel of human stupidity stays in the lane and we are now side by side all the while I've had my signal on to move into the lane to get on to Wheeler. Jackass decides to stick with his route and not move for me so I speed up and get in front of him and he does this dramatic brake and avoid into the other lane and still no cars in his immediate area, as if I was the one causing the problem.
Is this not a basic known rule of highway driving? When you see a car coming from the merge lane to get on the highway, do you not move over to the outside lane if it's available? I mean, what the Hell? Is there a mental block in some people that prevents them from thinking correctly while driving? Situation: You see a car in the merge lane, nothing around you, move the fuck over Einstein.
2. Reality shows.
WTF? There's nothing real about them except for the fact they are happening with people in front of you on TV. I can't remember the last time I was stuck on an Island with 20 people and we had barely any means to live and each week voted someone off. In reality if you did that, where the fuck does that person go? Magically back to civilization or do they just up and vanish like a fart in the wind? Or what about being in a house of 15 people where they talk about each other, conspire to defeat each other and what's with the shit in the backyard where you play different crazy dumb games to win immunity or become the head person of the house. I lived in a house with 5 people and played in my backyard but not to beat the other one and be safe from shit in the house or become the head person. We had a head person, he was called Dad. He didn't need to prove a damn thing to let us know who ruled the house. Or how about this race around the world? In reality, have you ever just sat around, looked at your friend and said, "Hey, let's call up 8 more teams of two or couples and challenge them to a race around the world?" Then you travel to places you don't know about until the last minute at the end of leg of the race only to find you have dick all for information of the area, don't know the language and have to get to another location as fast as you possibly fucking can using what you know of the area. Which is nothing. Yeah, that all seems real to me. And all this time of growing up, getting a job and living a regular life must be the false sense of life we aren't supposed to be living. I'll book a flight or take a cruise somewhere hoping to get shipwrecked or crash and try surviving on an Island with a group of people and every day pray I don't get voted off.

I'll leave it at two items for today as I think I babbled on enough with those topics. I could have gone more but felt I should stop. Should I have? LOL.

Enjoy the day my friends.


Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Back again

Wow. It's been a long time since I've blogged. I used to love doing this to blow off some steam or just have some fun with thoughts I come up with on a daily basis. If you used to read my blogs, welcome back and if you are new, welcome. They may not always be entertaining or to your liking but hey, can't please everyone. Some blogs you may strongly disagree with and some you may love, either way if you have comments, I'd love to hear from you. It's a free country. Still. I think.
How are you all doing? I trust you are having a great day and enjoying whatever it is you are doing. Where do I start with today's blog? I've recently discovered I have blood pressure problems and adding it to the list of many things going wrong with me since I hit 35 years of age back in June. Yes, I know, millions have blood pressure issues, this is me right now stating mine and it's new to me so here we go. Along with having a disc problem in my lower back that hit me a week after my birthday, I also have a knee problem that derived from said lower back injury due to putting all my weight on my left leg while I was couch ridden with my back and had to hobble about using crutches or the aide of my wonderful brother to get me around. It was not fun. So now I have the blood pressure going on and recently found out or came to the realization that it is in my family blood line on the men's side which does not make me happy but never the less, a situation I have to deal with as we all have problems throughout our lives, right? My Grampy had it, my father has it and I believe my uncle has it too. Got to love the marvels of the human body and the defects we come with. We're like cars. We start out brand new but as the miles get put on, we start needing new parts or tune ups on a regular basis. Now for anyone with any European ethnic background, be patient, those parts take a while on order.

No one goes through their entire life with perfect health just dies of old age these days. Something gets us all in the end. But if you are someone out there or know someone that has perfect health and is in to their old age, send me their blood sample so I can genetically enhance my DNA with it? That would be great. Thanks. I remember the days when I was a kid wishing I could get just a bit older so I could drive a car, drink, meet girls and be cool. But as the cycle of life gets going, you pass that age and start wondering who the hell sped up the ride and wish for a time machine. Preferably one that returns you to the age you were when you go back in time as well. Wouldn't want to go back and still be this age, wouldn't help much.

So since I last blogged, a lot of crazy shite has occured like the loss of Farrah Fawcett (Loved your posters, thank you), Signs of a new future in the U.S. with a new African American president, Kate and John seperated (Who really cares?), Lindsay Lohan has Anne Hache syndrome, Britney went crazy, shaved her head and let her baby drive her car and so on. So many opportunities and material to work with and I look forward to more in the next while. Keep coming back on a regular basis as I'll keep up with blogs almost daily and hopefully most of it will be a great read for you with perhaps a laugh or two. Maybe it'll piss you off and you'll want to tell me off or dispute which I welcome too. We all have great minds, what better way to feed them and keep them sharp.

Thanks for coming by my friend,