Thursday, December 31, 2009

2010. My "predictions"

Hello to one and all. Well 2009 is pretty much at the door with bags packed and the taxi is in the driveway waiting to take it away.
So today I kick 2009 in the balls and welcome 2010 with open arms. I see 2009 as the grumpy old man living next door who had nothing nice to say and lived a life of negativity. I see 2010 as the hot girl next door, full of innocence, hot and welcoming. So for fun, I'm going to make my own "predictions" of what will happen this coming year as we end the first decade of the 21st century and embark on anew.
1. Tiger Woods will quit golf, open a strip bar and personally interview each new employee in his private room complete with king sized bed, a bar, stripper pole and jacuzzi. 3 of his mistresses will admit to having his baby and his ex-wife will marry John Daly.

2. Britney Spears will sign on to do playboy only to find out she is just going to be on the cover.

3. Al Gore will admit that he is behind the whole "Global warming" issue as he just wanted the attention after getting snubbed in the 2000 election by Dumbass W. Bush.

4. Pauly Shore will get yet another chance at redeeming himself and his acting career only to bomb because it's a film by the Wayan brothers.

5. The economic problem in the U.S. will pan out after the public learns GM, Chrysler and Ford used all the bailout money to build real Transformers and they will be controlled to attack other countries, take all their resources and money but won't bother with Canada as they don't see the value in snow, maple syrup, touques and Anne Murray.

6. A major natural disaster will occur once again testing the limits of mankind. It will happen in Quebec so no one goes forth to test their limits. It's Quebec. No one cares.

7. Danny Devito will admit to the public that he had a love affair with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 70's and have a love child. They named him Darren and put him up for adoption somewhere in Eastern Canada.

8. An asteroid will hit the southern region of the U.S. in the latter part of 2010, scientist Mark Bezalanger, who was the chief scientist for monitoring the sector of space that the asteroid came from will be quoted as saying "What? I thought it was just a spec of dust on my telescope. I fucked up, sue me." He's never heard from again.

9. Earth will finally experience first contact from an alien race and it happens in a small town in Northern Manitoba. They leave to never come back.

10. Major websites Google, Twitter, Myspace, Facebook and Yahoo will combine their sites into one ultimate web page "".

And those are just some of what I believe will happen in the upcoming and exciting year of 2010.

Tonight, at midnight, grab someone and kiss the shit out of them. It's the only time you should be able to get away with it.

Here's to a better year.


Wednesday, December 30, 2009

So, you want to see my junk?

Okay. A guy was caught in Detroit with explosives in his underwear. That in itself opens room for so many jokes.
Then, the U.S. spanks Amsterdam for this guy getting on the plane and getting on to U.S. soil. So what happens next? Everyone panics and now we have to be thoroughly checked even more when we want to travel in to the U.S. They will now hand search your carry ons and carry ons are very limited now and part of this new policy was created by us, the Canadians. Great, eh? Is that Harpers way of kissing Obama's ass? "Hey buddy, up here in the Great white north, we got your throw me a bone.......please?"
How often does this happen for one? How often is a "terrorist" caught with some sort of weapon on him that would be dangerous to the public? I admit that when it happens, yes, it should raise concern but let's not be so paranoid as to taking away rights of everyone that wants to travel and be more secure with how we travel. I believe this happened due to the fact Obama's approval rating dropped significantly recently and something needed to happen so he'd come out smelling like roses with being Mr. Tough guy laying down the law on what happened and scolding Amsterdam.
First off Mr. President. It's Amsterdam. Home of great beer, the red light district and great brownies (so I hear). Secondly Barak Hussein Obama, they guy was caught by your crack team of agents at the airport and problem solved. Shit is going to happen and slip through the cracks now and then as we are all human. Lighten up. It's called life. Hey, maybe you can do another TV special with Oprah (surprise) and talk about the issue and make yourself look even more like a super hero celebrity.
So now in an answer to the situation, Amsterdam is now installing X-ray scanners that when you pass through, you will be seen naked on the screen. Everything God gave ya will be displayed to complete strangers so they can make sure you aren't carrying any shit on you that you aren't supposed to which would be considered an immediate threat to others. Remember the good old days of a good pat down and metal scanners as well the occasional strip searches? Ah the memories. Now everyone will partake in the joys of exposing themselves to some checkpoint agent at the airport who will probably get their jollies from seeing some people au natural and soon enough, it will spread to North America. So start working out, get that boob lift, tummy tuck and tone up! You'll be the next contestant on "Let's see whatcha got!" if you ever want to travel outside of the country. Pretty soon we won't even be able to sneeze without having to submit a form for approval, have our nasal cavities scanned and a hand put our ass. I'm simply saying sure, take care of a problem but where do we draw the line?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the gym and am scheduled for a really big penis enhancement.
The cream just doesn't work.


Monday, December 28, 2009

The end is here!!

Well, the end of the year that is. Happy holidays, Seasons greetings and a Happy new year to all you kids out there who are actually reading my blogs. I was going to do a "Best of 2009" blog but I wasn't sure on what topic to do it on. So I'll just continue with a rant about nothing and everything. Weeeeee.
How was your year? Any highlights that stick out for you? I have some.

1. Feb. 2009 - Getting my Ava girl. I can honestly say that there is no regret on getting her. She stood out from the rest of the dogs at that crazy kennel at the SPCA. I remember walking in and all the dogs are going nuts, barking and howling and I come across her cage and she's laying in her bed looking scared. I call her by her name and she gets up wagging her tail and sniffs my hand, goes back and lays down. She's just as calm and great as the day I met her. Make fun if you wish, but probably my biggest highlight. AND if anyone out there is ever thinking of getting a cute little puppy or kitty, go to the SPCA. There are tons of dogs and cats you can choose from, trust me, I've been there and seen the "average" amount of pets they get. It sickens me that pet stores still sell new pups and kitties. Think about it the next time you want a new pet, for every new animal bought at a commercial store, there's probably a pet in line at the SPCA that could have been rescued and will end up being put down simply because there's no room and a new pet came in and needs that room.

2. June 2009 - My back goes out on me. Oh what a memory that is. If you haven't ever had your back go out on you, I highly recommend it, what fun! To be laid up for almost 3 weeks on my couch, my brain turning to even more mush than it is with watching more TV that I've ever cared to watch. I watched such great shows as "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here" and tons of movies. Thank you internet. Haha. The sheer pain I experienced with trying to move was one of mind numbing pain and if you ever wanted to hear me yelp out in pain, this was the time. Thank you back, for fucking up on me and giving me the gift that will now keep on giving for the rest of my days.

3. September 2009 - Learning that I have a blood pressure problem. After a few nosebleeds and crazy headaches, I decide to look into the issue and find that my bp was at 154 over 101. Not good considering average is 120 over 80. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact I stopped exercising and thought it was good to eat more junk than the right foods and let work stress me out really bad? No, that couldn't have been it. At this point, I feel like 35 going on 70. Super duper.

4. Michael Jackson dies. Crazy. Funny how one guy is ridiculed and talked about in a negative way but when he dies, the same people come out saying how great he was and he was the talent of the world and he'll be missed. I think they'll miss him because they won't be able to make fun of him anymore. I was never a huge fan and yes, I had the Thriller album, I was 10 for crying out loud, but he was talented and I give props where due and he was up there. I wonder, is Elvis up there now kicking his ass for marrying Lisa Marie?

5. The balloon boy. Everyone knows this story so I'll keep it short. I would love to meet the father and kick his fame seeking ass.

6. Jessica Biel finally doing a nude scene in "Powder blue". Thank you Jessica and thank you Jebus.

I'll stop at that but I do have more. Maybe another time. At this time I'd like to thank the following for my Christmas presents.
Steve, thanks for the hot air popcorn maker. Once I use up that bag of popcorn kernels I bought from the boy scouts, I'll think about buying them again for future use.
Mom and Dad, thanks for the gift cards, they make great gifts.
Lori, the money clip is pimpin', God love ya.
Chris, the Boba Fett pen kicks ass.
Sara, thanks for the card, you are the only one that sent me one this year. I love you, man.
Thanks to all who came to my potluck gathering, it was fun and I had a great time being surrounded by friends. Deidre, your toblerone cheesecake was mesmerizing. Loretta, your drumstick cake kicked ass.

I've babbled enough........carry on.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Thank you for calling...........

Hello!! Seasons Greetings and all that happy crap. Today I thought I'd do something simple and I'd share some funny stuff with you. I work in a call center, surprise, and sometimes I get really weird, funny or unique calls from the customer or sometimes I make a mistake or two. Sometimes I log the topic of the calls in a file I originally called "Stupid Tuesdays" as the first time I entered a log was yes, on a Tuesday. They made me laugh and hopefully, you'll get a chuckle out of them too. Enjoy.

"Hi, my pre authorized payment isn't taking out my charges, I'm 3 months behind" "Okay, has your credit card exp date changed recently?" "Oh I don't know" "You don't know if your credit card has been updated in the last couple of months?" "Oh it might have been, I don't know"

"I called in to have my Hospital service removed when I left the hospital on Aug. 21 and I just got the bill showing a charge up until Sept. 17th" "Okay, I'm showing a note that you called in on the 17th to remove the HPS and nothing noted on the 21st of August, did you call in mid September to remove the Hospital service and not on Aug. 21?" "Oh I might have, I'm not sure" "So you can't recall when you actually called in to remove your Hospital service?" "I thought it was Aug. 21, maybe it was in September, my son called in I think, but I'm not sure" "It shows you called in Dianne to remove HPS on Sept 17th." "Oh, maybe I did, I thought my son did, but it might have been me"

“Okay sir, thank you for holding, I now have your phone line setup and have the number assigned, do you have a pen and peepee handy?.....sorry, a pen and paper, do you have a pen and paper handy?” “Yes and for the record, I have all of said items handy”

“Hi, I’d like to move my phone services.” “Okay, and what is your number?” “555-5555” “Great and your name?” “Yes” “No, I need your name please” “Yes it is” “No I need your full name please” “Oh. It’s Linda”

“Thank you for calling, how may I help you?” “Yeah, how do you dial zero on a cell phone?”

Enjoy the ride..........


Friday, December 11, 2009

Well roast my nuts, it's Christmas!

I was on my lunch today and head up to the Superstore to grab a bite to eat and it hit me that it is indeed Christmas time. Other than the fact I should be smart enough to look on a calendar or just instinctively know what time of year it is, being out in the hustle and bustle of all the shopping just confirms it. It's such a great time of year, the crowds have increased hence the traffic as well. People are running to and from with their shopping to do lists and making sure little Tommy gets the newest toy on the market and is the most popular now as well Dad gets that new pair of slippers and little Sally gets her new puppy. Yes, the crowds are a plenty and people are cutting people off in malls an shopping stores, bumping into one another yet no one says sorry or holds a door for anyone. Cars speeding about in urgency to get to the next shopping place as the last one didn't have the touch me Elmo in stock and are almost peeing their pants with anticipation that the next store they get to has it. So speed! Drive as fast as you can and don't pay attention to all that's around you for you live in your world and yours alone! Forget the fact that you just cut someone off at the lights or switched lanes without looking and sans signal light. Yes Virginia, it's Christmas time again.

I'm not saying I'm a perfect driver but I do keep a sharp eye out while driving and I'm not saying this isn't normal. I'm just saying it's worse due to the increased traffic and more people need to be out there and get their shit done asap. Whatever happened to people remembering we're all here on this spinning blue ball (haha, blue ball), sharing it together? Why can't people talk to one another or at least say Hello, Sorry about that, Here you go(holding door open) or Merry Christmas? Somewhere along the way, we went wrong with interacting with one another and now we just go about with our heads down or looking straight ahead and don't acknowledge one another. Of course we're all safe and fine to talk to each other on chat sites etc and can say what we want and do what we want because all we have to do if we don't want to talk to each other on there or get rid of someone is simply delete, block or remove them. Ah, so easy. No one is comfortable anymore with having a face to face conversation about any topic now and we all hide safely inside our warm homes behind a computer. It's Christmas people, it's suppose to be a time to put all bullshit aside and be civil and celebrate it for what it is.

I could babble on and on but I won't. Anyone that is reading this right now is thinking, thank God D, you need to stop being so negative. Am I being negative about a positive thing? I don't think so, just merely expressing what we should be doing this time of year.

So here's to another year and to Christmas. Get together with friends and family however you do it, be it a dinner, a party, going home to see family, watching Christmas specials or just getting piss drunk. Everyone should hang out together at some point during the upcoming holidays and enjoy each others company. For myself this year, I am going to see friends at different functions and get togethers and spend Christmas day with good ol' fam. As for Christmas Eve, I will be celebrating my long time tradition of watching "Lethal Weapon" as I do every year and have so for a long time. I know it sounds weird right? But that's the thing. Everyone can do something that suits them at Christmas regardless the tradition. For me, it's that movie. It does take place during Christmas so there. Bite me.

Now, remember what this holiday is about, enjoy each other and remember Jebus. It's his birthday. Ask Santa to get him a new pair of sandals or an etchasketch. (however you spell that)

There ain't no party like an S club party.


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Eye of the Tiger

Okay, I'm going to follow up my blog from the last one about yes, Mr. Tiger Woods. I've personally put him in for a nomination for 2009's dumbass of the year award. You may ask why D? Why Tiger? He's such a reputable man and an amazing "athlete" in the world of golf. If you are asking that then you've been living in the woods, way out where bears do shit and you can still find fairies, trolls and Richard Simmons.
Tiger Woods. Got famous playing golf, worked hard all his life for it, gets rich and marries a hottie super model, all the while he's sticking it to any hot lady that falls in his lap. Now I've heard stories about him sleeping with quite a few girls and they keep coming out of the woodwork the second the news came out. These girls are nothing more than media whores looking for their 15 minutes of fame and some cash to do interviews and I'm sure a book isn't far behind. I can just see the title now "Tiger and how he putted his way into my vagina" or "Tiger: He sunk it in one swing". Seriously, if I was one of these girls, I'd stay away from the limelight and put it behind me. Do you really want your life to be changed now being known as one of the skanky ho's that fucked a golfer? Really? Only reason they got funky with him is because he's rich. Plan and simple. Were they hoping and wishing on their magic pillow at night that if they spread their legs for him that he'd whisk them off their feet and take them to Tigerland where they'd be surrounded in jewels, cars and extravagant luxuries?? Maybe. But personally, I think it's because they were skanks and just wanted the chance to do a "celebrity".
Now, back to Mr. Woods. The dude fucked women on tour and in his own home town, hoping to never get caught all the while this hot blonde bikini model is married to him?? Man, when you live that life and are in that scenario, bitch is gonna find out. It's only a matter of time. Problem for him is, everyone done gone find out because she beat his ass with a club and chased him out the driveway, runs over a fire hydrant and crashes into a tree. It went public and now he's paying the price. Then after all the shit hits the fan, his main sponsors decide to stick with him. "Hey kids, be like Kobe or Tiger. Get stinking rich and famous, fuck as many women as you can married or not and we say it's okay." "Don't forget to drop out of school too!"

Back to the main reason of this blog. After all that was said and done, Tiger offers Elin $5 million up front to stay with him and if she did stay for another 5 years, she'd get a shit load more. Guess what? She walked. In this day and age where we live in a society that's now standing on a foundation of greed, sex and lies, she fucking walked. You don't see that these days at all and I for one applaud her for having the right train of thought and leaving that douche in the dust. Of course, this could all be an act and she ends up back with him and I'd have to eat my words, apologize for this blog and move on. But as of today after reading on the net that she left him, I'm posting this to say bravo for walking and not taking $5 million plus more in 5 years. Truly amazing.

Will it stop Tiger? Fuck no. He's a rich mother with everything he needs and way more. He's so into the scene of being famous, rich and in the media that he probably can't remember what it was like growing up, not having the riches he does now. He's already got a list of bitches ready to bend over for him, what's a few more now that Elin's gone?

I wonder, does he get the red or gold jacket for doing more than 18 holes?

Remember to wash your balls before you stroke.